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Dealing With The Initial Shock Of Polygyny


The first feeling is often that of disbelief and shock because that is the point many get a true hint that their worst fears might be a possibility. Then different stages of grief set in;

DENIAL; where you are struggling to believe it is true.

ANGER; where you have now confirmed it’s not a joke and it’s happening. All the efforts and sacrifices you put in seemingly counting for nothing in preventing it, and you are just angry.

BARGAINING; where your initial anger settles and you try in a final attempt to salvage the situation throw in different offers from sexual appeals to upgrading looks, food, family etc.

DEPRESSION: Where your bargaining fails to achieve what you thought it would and you are too tired to fight all over again.

ACCEPTANCE; Where you finally come to terms with how things are.

You’d question yourself and why wouldn’t you? After all, you gave it all you believe you needed to. You’d do more than question yourself, you may even question your Creator and ask why, for different reasons.

Dealing with this emotional rollercoaster is not easy with many needing support in different forms. You’d feel bitter and angry and sad and confused and sure at the same time. You’d feel like saying it all over and over again, yet you’d feel like saying nothing at all.

Your marriage has changed and will never be the same again. To try to hold on to what it used to be will be to keep seeking something that’s no longer there. Yet, this was not even your decision! and like many, you were not even handed a say, maybe not even notified until the last minute.

You’d need to understand your new truth

You’d need a new coping strategy

You’d need to acquire knowledge

You’d need to test run your new approach,

before you can think of healing and moving on but when you do, you’d find a new you; one capable of so much you’d wonder why you held back before.

Many imagine they’d get there by getting into a competition, No! You don’t need it. Do you, be you and face your lane. It’s not by force to get all cordial and friendly from the beginning, be real with yourself and allow yourself time to get there. Even when others try to taunt you, get at you or hurt you, refuse to go down to their level deliberately.

It the tears come, let them out. You are human but don’t let it do extra hurt to you so that you don’t wipe and then start seeking medication for a new condition.

Don’t pretend to not be hurt but don’t let the hurt make you into something you are not. You are the primary custodian of you and as such should not let anyone dictate your narrative.

You need a lot of prayer through this period by the way, reconnect with your Lord. You need all the physical help you can get too. If your peace and mental health is getting affected and you are getting triggered, seek professional help.

As tempting as it may be, don’t hate anyone. Refuse to drop to that level. Will this be easy? Oh no, you will struggle and may falter a few times (or more) but don’t stay down, stand up again and again and again. You are human, you are learning to adjust.


You’ll be fine.

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